


Frozen in Time

by liveandlove1989



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 04:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9641549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveandlove1989/pseuds/liveandlove1989
Summary: Emotions are fantastic and horrifying at the same time. They have the capability of uplifting you or completely wrecking you. Emma doesn't have much luck when it comes to those things. Now the question stands: What will she do when everything she's known comes crashing down? {Depression, Modern AU, SwanQueen}





	1. Chapter 1

All she could hear was the beating of her heart. Slow and steady. Completely opposite the swirling tornado of convulsing thoughts eradicating her sanity.

_"Do you love me?!"_

A cold breeze stung her bare cheeks, sending rivets of gold cascading over her shoulders to nestle her coat's hood. A single tear made itself known, traversing her laugh line to her chin.

_"I can't do this any longer, Emma..."_

A crowd was gathering. They watched a young woman, underdressed for the frigid weather, leaning closer to death. Her grip on the railing made her knuckles turn white, made her palms burn.

_"Just leave me alone!"_

A gentle voice tried to coax her, a young man inching closer to her. She didn't look at him, but let one hand leave the railing. He shut up and stepped back into the crowd, others begging her not to be stupid and ruin her life.

Hah, ruin her life. Because that was still possible, apparently. Even now, with nothing left to lose.

_She let herself laugh. It was curious and egging, and it caused Regina to smile all the brighter. Emma let herself tip over, pressing gently against the other woman. Their breaths mingled, they were so close._

_Neither spoke, they just stared and smiled. It was comforting, strange between the two. Regina bit her bottom lip, reaching a hand up to push away a stray strand of blonde behind her partner's ear. Her heart had never raced so fast._

_Emma lost herself in those wondrous orbs. She didn't even think as she leaned in._

"Ma'am, please step away from the railing," a strong voice spoke. But Emma didn't care.

The ghost of their first kiss tingled her lips. She still tasted apple, even now. It was strange, and it only upset her more.

_"Shh, you'll wake her," Emma murmured, pulling the door shut behind her. "She's a light sleeper."_

_But Regina only smirked, tugging her girlfriend's sweater. "I'm glad to see you actually like my gift," she murmured._

_Emma smiled in turn, taking the woman's hand. She brought it to her lips, kissed the soft expanse of skin. "Of course, baby."_

Her jaw locked. She let her left foot dangle over the edge of the bridge. Someone gasped as her slipper fell. She watched it transcend, a blur of violet that quickly became lost within the bubbling foam of angry water beating rock.

She only felt the burning sting of alcohol in her chest, the fuzzy haze descending that came with sleeping medication.

_The box was small and fragile and oh so precious. She stared at it with eyes much wider than necessary. Regina only smirked and held the present higher._

_"Happy Christmas, my love."_

_It was such a gorgeous trinket. Silver and thin, a heart shaped sapphire in the center. It reflected the light and made her jump from it's coldness as her lover fixed it around her neck._

Her fingers found it now, beneath her tank top. It was even colder than before, ice beneath her touch. Her stomach clenched with pain.

_"When were you going to tell me?" It was so sad, like a wounded animal. Eyes of pain and neglect and pleading met her own._

_Emma reached for the letter, fixated on yanking it back out of this woman's grasp. But Regina held firm, and Emma's shoulders slumped as she realized there was no going back._

_"Regina, please, I can explain," she began, wringing her hands pathetically._

_But a sob shook her to her core. Regina covered her face, trying to hide the pain she was drowning in. "When?!" she screamed._

_Emma watched in horror as her letter was shredded by nimble fingers before she could react. And then the wall was behind her back, a sly figure to her front._

_The eyes she adored, that always reassured her in their glory, were overbearing. "Do you love me?!"_

_And she couldn't answer._

No one could see the tears drenching her face. Her back was to them all. But everyone saw the way her shoulders shook, the way she caved in on herself. They just didn't know how to help. Because there wasn't a way.

_There were bags at the door. Two suitcases and a duffle bag. The pictures of Regina and herself were gone from the hallway as she walked through, legs as heavy as lead._

_The bathroom had been stripped of anything Regina related. Even the shower curtain the woman had bought was ripped down and nowhere in sight._

_Emma's heart was in her throat. Her stomach was in knots. Her body felt like iron, attached to the carpeted floor._

_Regina was suddenly there, face tear stained and downcast. She sucked in a shaky breath when Emma came into view._

_She swallowed, her throat horribly dry. Then she spoke. "I can't do this anymore, Emma..."_

Someone was speaking, but she felt so dizzy. The breeze was making her bones rattle and her teeth chatter. She blinked back a sudden wave of dizziness that threatened to overtake her.

_"Do you think we'll live forever?" It was a question she'd pondered for a long time. A question that she knew the answer to but still asked._

_Regina quirked an eyebrow. Her hand squeezed Emma's between their bodies, warm and comforting. She looked over to her best friend._

_"Yes. I think we can do whatever we think of."_

Emma smiled despite herself. Regina had always done that. Told her what she wanted to hear. Even if it made no sense. It was one reason...

One reason she loved her.

_The alcohol was warm as it coursed across her tongue, stung as it traveled down her throat. She loved the confidence that bloomed in her chest after, though._

_Regina played with a strand of her hair, twisting it with two lithe fingers, tickling her throat with every swipe._

_Emma offered the tiny flask, but Regina shook her head in denial. She never had been a fan of liquid courage. But it was the one thing Emma was relying on tonight. The one thing that would give her enough guts to confess._

_"Hey, Regina?"_

_The raven haired woman laying across her lap grunted in acknowledgement, but did little more._

_Emma bit her lip, reaching for and grasping the wrist of the hand still tugging her hair. It caused a suspicious eyebrow to lift, but eyes remained shut._

_"I... Can I tell you something?"_

_This peaked the other's interest. Eyes opened into slits, mouth twitching up. "Of course."_

_Emma lost her nerve at that look. She bowed her head, forcing a smile. "You're so beautiful tonight."_

If she'd said something, would things have gone better? Would Regina still...

Emma shook her head, the sound of a police siren slicing into her memories. It was close, called by one of the bystanders. There were quite a few now, horrifically attracted by the possiblity of a suicide.

This wasn't for their entertainment, though.

_"Please, just give me a chance," Emma begged. Her words were merely whispers, throat so sore from sobbing all night it was a wonder the sentence even came out._

_Regina only pushed her away when she reached out. "You're leaving!" Regina screamed in her face, before retreating like a puppy that had been kicked across the room._

_"You're leaving, and I'm stuck here... Without you..."_

_Emma's heart clenched at the sight of Regina, so hurt and lost. She stepped forward, unable to stop herself from at least attempting to help the broken woman before her._

_"Regina, Regina baby, please," she began._

_But a voice of unforeseen fury attacked her, leaving her fleeing the tiny apartment. "Just leave me alone!"_

It didn't make anything clearer. Anything accept this nagging self hate she'd held for far too long within.

She ignored the police man inching closer, trying to talk her down and make her give up on this pathetic attempt at escape. She ignores the horrid thought that she was a coward, that she was a failure. She ignored the thought that maybe, just maybe, things would get better.

**_"Do you love me?!"_ **

She let her eyes slide shut, breathing in deep. "Yes," she spoke, loud enough for everyone to hear.

And then, she let go.


	2. Part Two

_Her eyes were gentle yet fierce, exuberant in their liveliness. She smiled a toothy grin and playfully smacked her girlfriend, making the other woman feign a look of hurt. Her laugh sounded out, clear and undeterred._

_"You know, people would take you seriously if you actually tried being genuine," Regina retorted, but her tone was anything but angered._

_Emma attempted a pout, but it failed as she immediately started smiling again. She just couldn't help herself right then._

_The sunshine that graced their halfhearted picnic, of sorts, left them both undeniably content, moreso than normal. Even Regina couldn't stop herself from reaching over, intertwining the two women's fingers sweetly._

_Emma bit her lip, looking up at the sky. Wisps of white set a slow, steady course overhead, inching toward an unknown destination. Other than that it was clear and fresh, a picture of perfection. The blonde thought to herself, things couldn't be better._

_"Emma?" a quiet voice brought her back to herself. She blinked, turning with a playfully quirked eyebrow._

_"Yes?"_

_Regina smiled and raised her free hand, cupping the other woman's cheek ever gently. She inched closer, rested their foreheads together._

_Her eyes slid shut as Emma watched in fascination, feeling her hand being squeezed slightly tighter._

_"Regina?" she questioned, seeing her partner's lips twitch, eyebrows furrow._

_She didn't expect the words that followed._

_"I love you, Emma. And I... I don't want to ever lose you..."_

_Emma's eyes widened, face began to warm as the words settled in. But a smile slowly pulled at her mouth._

_Regina's eyelid fluttered up, she looked with a half closed eye, holding her breath._

_And then a mouth was against her own, sweet and tasting of the cream filled pastries they'd shared not ten minutes before. She kissed back, warmth blooming in her chest, her heart briefly speeding up from the sheer passion her lover shared._

_"I love you too, Regina. I love you," Emma whispered, emotion clouding her words._

_They'd made a promise that day. One sacred and undeniably true._

Where was that promise, now?

* * *

Her feet touched the concrete slowly, hands letting go of the rail as she fell forward. Into a pair of strong arms that wrapped around her waist. A voice came from somewhere, perhaps right there next to her. She couldn't understand them.

The crowd was drawing nearer, surrounding, being held back only by the annoyed pair of policemen telling everyone to go home.

Something fell over her shoulders as she was half dragged, half carried toward an awaiting medic. She knew they could all smell the alcohol on her, but could they see the pain in her stomach? In her chest?

She blinked, the black was worse. It was all so blurry now, and the noise was becoming little more than a hum. She didn't want to die anymore... But would she?

Someone new pulled her close, set her down. But without those arms around her, she found her body was just too heavy.

She saw the world tilt, felt an uncomfortable sting but little more when her head fell. Someone was right in her face then, giant blue eyes and a hand grabbing at her wrist. She attempted to speak, but it was only silence.

Her eyelids fluttered. Her breath caught.

And she slipped away.

* * *

_" What do you think happens when we die?" Emma questioned, eyes glued to the screen._

_Regina shrugged, nestling down further against the softness of the cushions. "Don't know, why?"_

_A shrug was the only answer she received, as the blonde was completely entranced with the action and suspense she was presented with._

_They fell into silence a long moment, and Regina couldn't help thinking. Death. Was it really an end?_

_Biting the inside of her cheek, she reached over for the remote. When the film paused, Emma's eyes popped open wide as she swirled on her friend. Her teeth bared as she yelled, "Hey, I was watching that!"_

_Bringing her hands up in defense, Regina smiled. "I know, I know." She tossed the remote over onto the other's lap. "I just wanted your attention for a second."_

_Grumbling but nodding, Emma leaned back and crossed her arms. "Okay, what's up?"_

_"Do you think of death as an end or a beginning?"_

_The blonde paused, curious about the question. She had started it, though, so she considered it before replying. "Both? An end to something, but the start of something new."_

_"What would it be the beginning of?"_

_With a sigh, Emma uncrossed her arms and turned fully to her friend. "A new life. A better one, maybe. I mean, there's reincarnation. Maybe that's what happens."_

_Regina considered that response, but then shook her head. "But what if it's worse? What if whatever you had before, whether that be friends or family, is completely gone?"_

_Biting her lip, Emma pushed herself up from the floor, where she'd been resting back against the couch. She slipped in beside Regina, playfully bumping their shoulders together._

_"I think that sorts itself out, too. Like, everyone you're supposed to meet, you do. Somehow."_

_Regina rolled her eyes. "But what if, say, you and I died. And we were 'reborn' as you put it. Do you think in another life we'd meet up again?"_

_Emma shrugged. "As long as I got to eat all your food again."_

_That made them both burst into laughter. Regina settled down before her friend, but Emma kept going._

_She let herself laugh. It was curious and egging and it caused Regina to smile all the brighter. Emma let herself tip over, pressing gently against the other woman. Their breaths mingled, they were so close._

_Neither spoke, they just stared and smiled. It was comforting, strange between the two. Regina bit her bottom lip, reaching a hand up to push away a stray strand of blonde behind her partner's ear. Her heart had never raced so fast._

_Emma lost herself in those wondrous orbs. She didn't even think as she leaned in..._

* * *

A scream of pain ripped from her sore throat as she jolted up. It took a long moment to realize she could only sit up halfway, back arched, arms so heavy they fell to her side.

And then there was someone there, holding her, sobbing into her hair as she breathed in and out painfully fast. She could remember smelling that perfume before, she could recount seeing those gorgeous locks of black. But all that mattered was the pure agony that attacked her in waves.

Her stomach clenched, yelling at her so fiercely she had to fall back, taking the person with her. The extra weight made her chest tighten, only worsening things. And yet, she couldn't bring herself to speak.

The door swung open, banging against the wall as it came inward. She couldn't see who it was through the blanket of hair, but a freezing cold hand was checking her pulse before she could even blink.

A sigh, somehow heard beyond the pitiful sobbing right at her ears. "Hey, come on, let her go," a woman's voice murmured gently, and the person on top of her was pulled back as sweetly as possible.

Seeing that tear stained face was not what she expected. Even through the tears building in her own eyes, through the shame as she realized what she had done, she felt shock and utter relief.

Regina grasped her hand, holding it tightly between two of her own. Her eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot, hair tangled, clothes disheveled. You could immediately tell she'd been there a while.

"Ms Swan?" a voice called to her.

Only then did she turn away from the one person she wanted desperately to take in her arms. Only to stare in awe.

Her doctor couldn't have been more than mid twenties, right out of grad school. Her pale skin was flawless, arctic eyes deep and mindful. A small frown kept her mouth from looking just as gorgeous, and her sharp features only made that worse.

They made Emma flinch, as if scolded by her mother, and look away in shame.

"How are you feeling?"

A simple question, but her throat hurt so badly. And the idea of actually speaking to the woman before her had her shaking beneath the covers, staring up at the overhead light like it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen in her life.

"Ms Swan? Can you look at me, please?"

She didn't want to. God she didn't want to. And the hand that was gripping hers was so tight it actually hurt to try and move her fingers. But she looked up, and found that perfect face even closer, cold fingers prodding her temple and down to her throat.

They made her flinch away, which made her doctor smile gently. As if to reassure. But the judgement, if that was what it was, in her eyes made it useless.

"No swelling... Are you in any severe pain? Cramping?"

Unable to speak even then, Emma just shook her head. That, even, took everything she had.

Those pale pink lips curled up a tad bit more at the corners. Looking like an actual smile now. "Good. I'm going to run a few tests, okay? I'm going to press on your stomach, and I want you to tell me where it hurts, okay?"

Emma nodded, but she felt herself tensing. She didn't want anyone other than Regina here, didn't want to be poked and prodded.

She glanced back over to Regina. The woman looked so tired, and even sicker than she felt. How long had she been there? Why?

A hard nudge to her pelvis made her snap free from her thoughts, because it made her yelp instead.

* * *

_She stared at the paper like it was a death sentence. Not because it wasn't what she was looking for. On the contrary, she'd be celebrating under normal circumstances._

_But not now._

_She had to set the letter down; her hands were trembling so badly she couldn't even reread the first line. **Dear Emma, Congratulations, I am very happy to inform you of your acceptance into California State University!**_

_This was her dream. The college she'd wanted to get into since she knew it existed._

_And yet, guilt washed over her like a wave, making her neck burn and her eyes waver from the beautiful type. She couldn't accept this. If she did, she'd have to leave._

_She wanted to leave. She'd always wanted to leave._

_But not without Regina, anymore._

_A knock on her bedroom door made her jump. She blinked, wiping her cheeks as she realized tears had began to fall without her knowledge._

_"Hey, birthday girl, get out here before I open all your presents myself!"_

_Emma couldn't help smiling at that voice. And then frowning. She'd have to turn down the college. She couldn't leave. Wouldn't._

_"Yeah, just a second. Don't you dare touch my gifts!" she teasingly tossed over her shoulder as she stuffed the envelope and paper beneath her pillow. She'd have to deal with it later._

Later became too late.

* * *

It was silent, accept for the beep of her heart monitor and the sounds outside their closed door. She watched that little line jump, watched the number dip, jump. dip, jump. Her arm still hurt where they'd taken a blood sample to make sure all the medication was out of her system.

And the hand that had been with her, that had grasped her fingers and held on through it all, was gone. Regina was sitting rigid, hands balled in her lap, eyes anywhere but on the blonde laying in an uncomfortable hospital bed.

Visiting hours would be over soon, they both knew it. But neither wanted to start a conversation they both knew would make the other angry. Neither wanted to admit to the elephant in the room. Neither wanted to lose everything all over again.

But the silence was as maddening as those voices that told her she was a fuck up, and she couldn't take it. She had to speak, she had to say anything. "I wasn't going to leave," Emma whispered.

Her voice was raspy, cracked painfully. Her throat was still sore, and she felt drowsy, but she forced herself to stay awake and sort through at least a small selection of the mess swirling through her head.

Regina didn't respond. Didn't even blink. The only thing to confirm she'd even heard anything was the way her shoulders tensed ever so slightly. Even that was hard to see.

Emma waited a moment before continuing, hoping by some miracle the woman next to her would stop her. Would speak up. Would just look directly at her again.

"I was scared... I didn't want to hurt you... I was going to throw the letter away, and forget about it..." Each phrase came with a pause as she couldn't make her lungs work right. She could feel the tightness that came with crying trying to overtake her chest.

"I thought that... I mean I..."

She couldn't finish. Burning tears managed to escape her attempt to contain them. They fell and traverse invisible lines down her features, making her want to laugh in horror. How many times had she been hurt before and managed to keep her emotions in check? How many times had she cried over this in the last week?

At last Regina spoke, even though her gaze was still anywhere but on Emma. "I thought I lost you."

It held emotion, and yet it was colder than any snide or presumptuous comment could ever have been. It petrified Emma, made her turn her head in disgust at not the predicament, but at herself. Because she wasn't even worth this woman's time.

The woman she'd grown up with, had hated at times but always relied upon. The woman she'd considered her best friend. The woman she was hopelessly infatuated with, even now.

Movement next to her jarred her from her thoughts, and she gaped as Regina stood, hugging her arms around her waist. There were tears on her cheeks, her bottom lip trembled. She didn't speak as she turned and walked around the foot of the bed.

Emma couldn't move, couldn't say anything. She just watched and begged internally. She was losing this fight, fast.

Regina's hand was on the doorknob. Her shoulders were shaking and she was about to leave again. The blonde couldn't bear to go through that again...

"Stay," she breathed, pleading that the universe wasn't this cruel. This heartless.

And the raven haired woman listened. Her hand froze, half turning the knob, half letting it go. And she sobbed, brokenly, openly, with her back to the one person she wanted more than anything. Because she couldn't face the thought that this could be it.

Their breaking point.

It hurt like hell to stand. To move. To rip that stupid IV from her arm.

But Emma did.

Her steps were staggering and unsteady, but true. She threw her arms around the other woman's waist, holding on as if she was an anchor. And in a way, she really was.

Their sobs became uncountable, and when Emma's knees gave out on her Regina fell too, turning to hold Emma as tightly as she thought she could. It was uncomfortable and heart breaking, and yet it felt clique in its tenderness.

And Emma found her voice in between hiccuped gasps. "Please... don't leave again..."

Regina only tightened her hold.

 

 


End file.
